Why I Came Back.

I wish there was a simple, completely understandable answer as to why I returned to San Diego. 

There is not.

To start with, I truly felt led to go to Texas.  And then, nothing.  I sent out numerous resumes, which were kindly accepted with the following statement:  "I'm sorry, we filled all of our positions for the upcoming school year, but we would love to keep your resume on file for next year."

That's sweet, but not very helpful. 

I finally got the photo website up and running, and printed some promo cards, and delivered them to businesses and schools in the area.  And that was a dead end street too.

I had looked into Nanny positions, but $5 an hour does not an income make.  Seriously.

Texas.  Not at all what I hoped for, or expected it to be.  I began to long for my friends, for California, for the life I took for granted.  (Because I did).

If I take away one lesson from this experience, it would be this:

Faith in God outweighs everything else.

I took a step of faith in going there.  I took a step of faith in waiting and seeking and listening.  I took a step of faith by admitting that I made the wrong decision.  And I took a step of faith by coming back and being willing to start over.

Faith didn't come easily in this.  At all.  In fact, if I may be brutally honest, after the 'honeymoon glow' of the first couple of weeks there, after the newness began to wear off, I was angry.  I had never in my life been so angry with God than during the first month there.  I felt like I had listened and acted accordingly, only to end up in a place of confusion.  I was so angry, I couldn't pray, except out of obedience and the bitter confession of my own anger.  I didn't understand what it all meant.  Why I had made the choice.  What was going to happen next.  Why I felt so far from God when I needed Him the most.

It took time for the anger to begin to subside, and I was able to come to Him in prayer without that barrier.  And then, in the bleakest of moments, in each decline of the job search, I began to have utter, blind faith in Him.  I knew in my heart He would provide, and give me direction, but until then, I'd have to be willing to go as far as He wanted me to in the journey of faith.  I was anxious, terrified, remorseful, and sad.  But, I was trusting Him, with all my broken soul.  He helped me identify my pride and fear of judgement, and the need to prove that I was right.  I had built a house of cards around my myself, each card stating "I was right", "I am strong", "I will not give up".  And that house began to crumble, until it was just me, face to face with God, my sin of self righteousness fully exposed. 

And you know what?  It didn't matter.  I repented, and my pride didn't matter anymore. 

But, what mattered then, was faith in my God, the God of love, of miracles, and of provision. 

And, in turn, He was faithful to me. 

Part 2.

That first part was written before I left for California.  I am humbled, and so thankful that I haven't had a large influx of people say to me:  'What did you do that for?  Why did you go to begin with??'  No, I told you so. 
Nothing but open arms, 'I'm so glad you are back', love, encouragement, and the 'at least you tried, and now you know.'
I'm glad I tried.
God wanted me to come face to face with Him.   
I can see it now, how He stripped me of my comfort zone, in many different ways, so that I would seek Him, and Him alone.  To trust Him and find peace in the midst of circumstances that we are surrounded by.
To have faith.
Do I still believe that I listened to Him and that He led me to Texas?  Absolutely.
That's not to say that I don't occasionally question it, but I believe I did what He asked of me.
It's not as if He told me how long to stay there.
Life is a little bit different now. 
But it, and God, is good.

Beside the spiritual journey, I am truly a California girl at heart. 
Texas is a wonderful place to visit, and for many, a great place to live.
I prefer the CA frame of mind, the nearby beaches, the weather, and the education system in which I work.  It's home, through and through.

I'm glad to be back.


p.s.  new blog link Angela is Artsy.  Take a peek.

xoxo